By: Tiana Dovetko
Loneliness is far more common than people want to admit. Many people sit in crowded rooms feeling invisible, and that was me freshman year. Everyone else seemed to click with each other laughing, forming groups, finding their place, while I’m still learning how to stand without the person who used to hold me up. I lost what I consider losing a sister the summer before starting high school, a girl I was so close to, once she ditched me she took a part of myself with her. Even though she treated me terribly, and I ignored the mistreatment or simply wasn’t aware, it didn’t matter because she saved me from falling more times then I could remember. My freshman year started with probably the worst my anxiety and depression had been in a long time. Every little thing seemed to trigger anxiety attacks or suddenly id spiral into a depressive episode that would last for days on end. Even though I had two months to process losing her I was still so deeply hurt. I trusted too easily, jumped to conclusions, tried to find someone to lean on just so I could survive. But in reality, my trust issues had heightened so much I kept rethinking every little action over and over again. A voice was always in my head telling me my new friends secretly hated me or planted ideas of what if they were talking horribly about me and I’d never know. Or I’d leave a conversation and immediately think they would complain about how annoying I was or just how insufferable it is to hang out with me. Because that exact scenario was happening for five years and I ignored it, or never fully acknowledged it. But after a few years something clicked. One day during junior year I realized I was genuinely cared for, and it was weird because I hadn’t felt that in a long time. I somehow knew these friends were different, and that they weren’t talking behind my back about how insufferable I was and I finally felt safe. Safe that I’d found people who genuinely liked me. I didn’t worry if what I said was weird or overthink every sentence I said, I let my walls down and felt comfortable. For the first time in 2 years my trust issues had lessened a little and I understood the people I cared about, cared about me too. Part of me thought it was because I was maturing, gaining more confidence, growing, branching out, when in reality I didn’t find my place when I became more confident I found it when I felt safe enough to be honest with myself. Honest enough to let the voice in my head be quiet, and not question every interaction. I obviously still struggle with my trust issues, and ill have moments where I wonder if I’m meant to be here or am I being a lost puppy following someone around because I have no one else, or maybe they only tolerate me because I’m friends with this other person. Then I realized that was my fear talking, the fear I had of building such a strong connection again and watching it crumble before my eyes. But my fear was the biggest barrier to forming a deeper connection with friends. Losing a sister broke me in ways I didn’t understand at the time, but it also taught me something I needed to learn: being held up by someone isn’t the same as being valued by them. I still carry that fear with me but it no longer controls me. I’ve learned that loneliness doesn’t disappear all at once; it fades when you’re brave enough to stay, to trust, to let people see you as you are. Finding that safety didn’t mean I was fixed or gained a ton of courage, it meant I finally believed I deserved to be cared for. The truth is I’m not invisible anymore, I just needed the right people to see me.
