I lay down staring up at the ceiling
I cannot sleep
My mind has become a raging sea of thoughts
Ambivalence soon takes over me—
A feeling that is hard to articulate in words . . .
I start to over analyze every situation that took place in that given day
Feelings of anxiety, sadness, and regret haunt the back of mind.
I cannot escape them.
My thoughts jump from one place to another
Like a never-ending catastrophic spiral
This is too much for my brain to handle—
I try to fight them
But my mind continues to blabber away;
I tell myself that I should just let all these things go
But I cannot
The world begins to collapse on top of me
And I drown out all other sounds
So that all I can hear are my own self-destructive thoughts
“Why must I do this to myself?” I ask
But I know I can’t control it
I know that no matter what I do
These feelings will find a way to disrupt my mind.
Hours go by . . .
And eventually, the chaotic orbit of thoughts begins to settle down
And for that brief moment, everything is calm
And I rest
For I know the next night my mind will do it all over again.
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